Something You Should Never Wish For

"I still haven’t had an abortion . . .
but I wish I had." ~ Lena Dunham (Dec 2016)

Celebrity Lena Dunham is "trending" because she said the above during one of her recent podcasts. Given that she's been out of the limelight for a few months, perhaps she was feeling neglected and had to get herself back in the news? Dunham does seem to do this on a cyclical basis. 

Disclosure: I'm not a fan. I have no idea how she became famous -- other than possibly because she's willing to be filmed naked? She's on my "Emperor's Not Wearing Clothes" list (along with Trump and others). I believe some people are propelled to fame because of a gimmick, and no one has the balls to say, "Nah, don't see it." It's as if they don't want to be the only person not jumping on the bandwagon. Meanwhile, most are silently baffled.

Anyway, the polarizing subject of abortion and freedom of choice has been thrust back into the zeitgeist, at least until the next news cycle, or until Trump tweets something outrageous to misdirect attention from his latest grift.

All evening, people were on social media sharing articles about Dunham's insensitive remark. It didn't take long before links showed up on my Twitter feed. When one woman referred to freedom of choice as "pro-abortion," I couldn't remain silent. I felt it was my duty to school her on why the phrase, "pro-abortion," can be counter-productive in our fight to protect women's reproductive rights.

In my opinion, there's a vast difference between "pro-abortion" and "pro-choice." The former implies you're celebrating abortion and giving it a seal of approval. 

A millennial female (20ish) didn't understand what was wrong with the label: “pro-abortion.” My anger flared as I realized how younger generations are clueless about the progress women have made, and the obstacles we had to overcome in the 20th century so a woman could actually RUN for president in 2016. P.S. That woman garnered more popular votes than any White male presidential candidate in history. You go, Hillary Clinton! I believe our male-dominated misogynistic culture played a huge part in the election's outcome. If Hillary were a man, with her lifetime of qualifications, we'd be looking at an entirely different 2017 ahead of us.

Battling the inherent bias against women is ongoing. We may have come a long way, baby, but with men trying to legislate what we can do with our vaginas and uteruses, we still have a long way to go.

Many younger women don't know the names Gloria Steinem or Erica Jong. They've never heard of the National Organization for Women (N.O.W.). They might know about Susan B. Anthony, but only because she's on an almost-obsolete dollar coin and her name comes up in history classes.

Sure, they've heard of Roe v Wade, and know it's a Supreme Court decision the Republicans want to overturn, a campaign promise Trump made, which I suspect the GOP will push Trump/Pence to pursue with a likely extreme-right Conservative Supreme Court.

But these millennials weren't around for the days when women had to cross state lines to have an abortion, or go to a room off a dark alley, or use a coat hanger themselves because no doctor would help them terminate an unwanted pregnancy. Women who had abortions back then kept it secret and carried the emotional burden without support.

Planned Parenthood and our current "right to choose" is something millennials take for granted, not realizing it's a right that could (and may) be taken away at any moment.

Another tangential rant: I've noticed some millennials refer to themselves as "activists" in Twitter profiles, providing links to Paypal or GoFundMe, where they expect you to give them money -- for no reason at all -- other than to subsidize their activism. I'm not kidding. The sense of entitlement is astounding. It's one reason I didn't like Bernie Sanders making "free college" part of his platform. Make it affordable? Sure. But free? Why should this generation get a free ride? Let them work hard and pay their dues like every generation before. If you hand everything to them, they end up with no work ethic and, instead, tweet all day as "activists," expecting people to send them money.

Sorry. Rant over. Back on point again. 

How can these young women (and Lena Dunham) not understand that having an abortion is not a badge you wear with pride? It's not something every girl grows up saying, "Gee, I hope one day I get to have an abortion!" You don't look forward to it. And if an unplanned pregnancy happens -- often in spite of being responsible with birth control -- you don't jump for joy. "Oh, goodie. I get to have an abortion. Woohoo!" 

You're faced with a daunting decision. You might struggle over it for days or even weeks. You vacillate between all the options and possible outcomes, playing out scenarios in your head of the consequences -- having an abortion, having the baby and giving it up for adoption, or having the baby and raising it. Will you be raising it alone? With a partner? With your parents' help? 

You might get advice from a friend. Pressure from a parent or boyfriend. You're worried people will judge you. It is one of the most difficult decisions a woman may ever have to make in her entire life. 

Depending on the circumstances of how you got pregnant, that too may influence how you feel about the pregnancy and steer you more toward one direction or another. Were you raped? Was it incest? Is the boy/man going to raise it with you? Give you financial support? Are you religious, or is your family religious? Are you in high school with college ahead of you, and would a baby change the course of your life? Are you older and see this as your last chance to have a baby?

Having an abortion is a highly personal and often painful experience for a woman, no matter why she makes the choice at the time. Her emotional pain may be immediate, or the feelings of loss may not surface for years. But believe me, it never goes away. It’s always there. A deep, haunting wound.

No one is pro-abortion. It's never something you want to do. But it's often something you have to do.

Women who have had abortions rarely talk about it. There's a stigma attached. They're afraid they'll be judged or rejected by friends. But perhaps it's time we talk about it more. Perhaps it's time for women to come out of the shadows and share their stories, so others feel less alone carrying the grief, carrying the "what-if" questions, carrying the doubt, or perhaps not carrying any of that at all.

Regardless -- having an abortion is not a choice made with glee. It’s often a choice made out of necessity for your survival, for your future, or even to sever a connection with an abusive boyfriend or husband.

We must keep abortion legal as a woman's choice. Just because the law exists doesn't mean you are advocating or condoning it. But you cannot impose your morality on another person based on your religious beliefs. If there's a god, it will be up to that god to judge whether the woman's choice cancels out all the good she did in her life.

Republicans and right-wingers call it murder. Yet many support the death penalty. Does no one see the hypocrisy? For that matter, many religious people believe you can be a "sinner" your whole life, be a horrible person, rape, pillage, murder, lie, and steal... but if you ask for the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, all is forgiven and you go to heaven. Now, if you truly believe that, why wouldn't a woman who got an abortion be given that same last minute reprieve for "salvation?" (Something to think about, eh?)

CHOOSING to have an abortion is never an easy choice to make. But thank goodness women today have the choice available to them. 

Do many women regret it later in life? Most likely. But that's a burden they have to carry, and if you do believe in a god, shouldn't you show them compassion rather than judgment?

Although we fight to preserve Roe v Wade so EVERY woman has the choice available, do not allow anyone to spin it as “pro-abortion.” No one celebrates abortion. We celebrate freedom of choice.

This is why I bristle at the phrase "pro-life," because it's assumed that the opposite must be "anti-life." Yet those of us who advocate for choice are not anti-life.

For Dunham to have said she wishes she’d had the experience of an abortion was damaging and disrespectful. It trivializes a heart-wrenching life-altering decision I wouldn't wish on anyone. Not even on my worst enemy.

For those who had to make the choice... I am with you. You are brave. You are strong. You are beautiful. As we women face an uncertain future with how the incoming administration may take away our reproductive rights... let us stand together in solidarity with acceptance and love.

Footnote: I may return periodically and revise this post, add/delete, tone down the anger, etc. Right now it's raw and from the heart.

My blog's disclaimer can be found by scrolling down.